Another Side Of Eden

2008-12-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

I've posted my thoughts in a lot of places and kept them private, and in a way, I suppose you could say that they're pretty old; the last one dated back to January of this very same year - and I must say that I was awestruck when I read them - my thoughts were quite coherent back then, and I wasn't ashamed at all with what I wrote. (Usually I am - I hate admitting that I'm the author of a lot of my own works from years and years ago.)

Well, here I am, a little torn and tattered, stripped bare for the world to see once more. I've lost my ability to rhyme melodiously, write prettily, and wear my heart soulfully on my sleeve. I suppose a lot of people miss the 'old' me, though I honestly don't see how I've changed much, other than growing and maturing through the months that feel like years.

Some people call me unnerving; I pass along quickly and quietly, if I can. (Perhaps with a toss of dramatique on the side, before an un-eloquent goodbye.) I wonder if I hate the idea of stopping too long in one place - there are some I know who refuse to let their hearts stop at all. Perhaps the inability to commit is an advantage to avoid being wounded, but I know that it's a terrible road. Everyone uses someone, but to do so so blatantly is almost a crime. I resigned a long time ago not to become like that, no matter now jaded I become. Or perhaps it's because I'm a hopeless romantic when unnecessary. Hmm.

I used to think that it was only me who had the uncanny ability to lose myself by wearing the skin and partial mindset of another, but I was proven wrong a short while back. I suppose that many of us become what we once loved (or still love, for that matter). That undying influence is something we'll always live with, dream with, and wear~ and I'll say that most of us probably love it. It's pretty, envisioning that we're someone else, being in their shoes, wondering about them wondering about us~ while completely forgetting that we're losing ourselves. I lost myself a while back, until I realised that I had no personality but another's. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still losing myself.

I probably am. But in a whirlpool of dreams, nightmares, and might-have-beens.

I've noticed one thing, though, that's common amongst most people - when they're upset, angry, or at a loss, they display exactly what they are deep down inside. The poison's drawn out then, and I've seen a lot of people destroy others, or even relationships with people who meant no harm in the first place. This is one of the things I hate about love, or rather - people's reactions to love (or a lost love). They become exactly what they hate - they destroy, the way they were destroyed. They push away, the way they were pushed away. They discard, the way they were discarded.

It's a funny/bittersweet world, but I kind of like it. It's so... cyclic. It becomes hardly unpredictable after two or three cycles anymore.

I wish I could heal them all (and probably, even myself - but I struggle to remain as rational as I can be emotionally). But I can't - in the end, I watch them all fadeaway into their hate, broken hearts, and hope that I won't be on the receving end. I hate the idea of breaking away from someone who'll look back, in the future, and wish they hadn't acted accordingly.

Sometimes, I wonder if everyone wishes if they could close their hearts for a moment, if only to ease the pain.

But hey, some people do it with chocolate, some do it with hate. Such is the world.

Online Relationships: Real Or Not?

2008-03-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

I've seen people make friends online. I've seen people rip each other's throats out online too. There is no sound, no staring into the eyes of the other person, and only words. If human feelings like that can be channeled easily across the internet, fuelled by thought, pride, shame, anger, happiness, and hurt; what makes online relationships so hard to believe, in terms of existence?

Debaters argue about whether or not life-forms can exist on distant planets or stars, and when it comes down to relativism, it's always a 50/50 chance - either life-forms can exist on them, or not. It's either one or the other, until proven. Unlike that, there are so many cases of online relationships that work out and transform into marriage, while others fizzle out pitifully. What other proof is necessary? I believe that it's all down to a matter of opinion on the subject, rather than whether it works or not. You either believe in online relationships, or you don't. But they'll always exist, regardless of your opinion.

Sure, people like proof. It's always down to statistics, images, cold hard facts; but yet cynics deny 'words', deeming them as 'just words that people splatter across a screen, and it could be true or false, nobody knows if you're lying' - but is that so? People believe in webcams, photographs, and anything that could mark as a proof of existence, gender, looks, or sincerity. It comes down to 'trust' and 'belief' in the end; and if you can believe in statistics and carefully worded publications, why can't the words that people type out on the internet be trusted, even just a little? There's the running risk that you could be talking to a liar, but hey, look on the optimistic side of life - the liar's wasting his or her time (that could be used for other useful things, such as grocery shopping or homework) trying to catch your attention. Anyway, webcams and images could contain lies just as well as words can be manipulated, but they all can contain some element of truth to them as well.

Yes, yes. Sex offenders. Serial killers. Predators. Vore RPers. Cyber-crazed maniacs. Liars. Cheaters. Wife beaters. Pedophiles. Children. Sirens. Manipulators. Two-timers. You name it. Everything and everyone could be lurking online, waiting to hunt down anyone and everyone. You might never meet one, and there's no way to prove a person is one until you meet and get attacked/cheated on/lied to/rejected/raped/molested/donestuffto, but there's also the chance that you might never meet one. Of course, be careful who you talk to, and watch out who you meet, but it's all down to trust and belief still, isn't it? Some teenagers (and even adults) go online to find people to talk to, perhaps for love, friendship, or even escapism from real life. It's not the fault of the internet for meeting the wrong people, nor is it the fault of a person's rusty webcam with crappy resolution - it just happens. Yet, despite all the bad that can happen online, there are still those who find happiness, everlasting or momentary. And all of this is real. It's happening. There are people behind the screen. Good, bad, evil, twisted, wonderful, loving, and angst-ridden - we're not robots. Hell, if you took time to read this post or even post in this thread to defend your beliefs or thoughts on this subject, it means that you're real. It means that even the cynics behind the screen are real. So what makes online relationships and friendships not real?

Finally, let's bring this down to personal encounters and experiences. Sure, not everybody can relate to the wonderful experiences some have when it comes to online relationships, but I've seen it happen - A and B fell in love online for a long period of time, met once, and he decided that he would propose to her the second time she visited. Recently, they met up less than a month ago (their second time ever). She went home with an engagement ring. Such a lack of physicality in that relationship, but yet so much love. I guess that's what made me know that online relationships could exist, and extend into something more, if both parties desire to. Not to mention my own, personal experiences. And so the cynics say that it's all a lie, and that falling in love online is stupid, and possibly for those who have no luck in real life. Falling in love online doesn't make you any less human, or a fool - not at all. Some search for love online because they need some form of escapism from their pain-filled 'real life', some just happen to find themselves attracted to those they meet online - there are so many possibilities. Some even find themselves in the situation where they have somebody physically within their grasp offline, yet find themselves attracted to the people they meet online. Why is this? Why fall for words, words that could mean anything? One reason - we, as humans, trust and believe what we want to acknowledge as truth. We know that it's not an image or illusion, but a person behind the screen. Of course, that person could be lying about themselves completely and cruelly, but heck - it's still a person. You could end up hurt or better off (in love, married, etcetera) - that's down to your circumstances. But what part of channeling human emotions and conveying those thoughts into words are not real?

I've fallen in love online. I've hated online. I've been rejected, hurt, and cut off, loved, liked, trusted, befriended online. I've even been denied my own existence, kicked to the curb as an image online that 'could be anyone behind the screen, male, female, old, young' - labeled as unreal, simply because I was someone he met online. Of course, that hurt; coming from somebody I loved for so long. But all my feelings towards him - love, hate, bitterness... they're all real. Even he, who denied the possible existence of online relationships, felt hurt when I retaliated to his hurtful remarks with my own. Perhaps he was not as wounded as I was, no - not even close, but he would've felt it. And that, in essence, made us both human. Just online - stealing away the ability to slap, see tears, and the sound of a person screaming silently in frustration. But the pain and emotions were all there, channeled through words, awkward silences, and an IM box.

I thought for a while, after that - that online relationships were not something I would dabble in again, since experience and being jaded taught me a few truths about real life, the internet, and human nature, but then... wouldn't I be becoming the narrow-minded person I swore never to become? I fall in love, offline and online, and both ways, I put my trust in those I fall for - both ways, I can be cheated, twisted, rejected, and thrown away, but it's all... a part of life.

At the end of it all, it's down to individual trust and what you choose to believe in - and that in itself makes it human, so wouldn't it be a narrow-minded lie to say that online relationships don't exist... or are unreal?

Ayalicious

Another Side Of Eden

Online Relationships: Real Or Not?